House Warming Party

Some friends in college got screwed over by their landlord. They were told they had to vacate their house in like May and most were going out of town and had already signed a lease for the fall. So they were evicted with little notice because the owner wanted to sell the place, they were pissed, they decided to take revenge.

The night they moved their stuff out, they turned over the keys but left a window open. At midnight a bunch of people showed up with five 30 packs of highlife and a thirst for destruction. We started out just having a wicked party. A couple of homeless guys wandered by and we called them over and gave them beer. One tried to sleep but the other joined us, laughing in confusion as we went around writing on the walls with magic markers and poking holes in the drywall. I think he almost bolted when we threw the fridge out the window.

It went downhill from there…soon I was watching sweet well-behaved straight-A college girls standing on chairs in the upstairs bedroom screaming like banshees as they tore long strips of brass piping out of the ceiling and bent it into pretzels…Andrew WK’s first album was blaring from a tinny boombox on repeat as supposedly civilized young scholars swung hammers rhythmically into the walls to spell out I HART COCK or smashed windows by taking doors off the hinges and trying to fit them through the frames lengthwise.

When we set off fireworks in the kitchen, the cops showed up. Some of the wussier chicks and the homeless guys ran, but one rich kid who was famous for being so ironic and blasé that he was basically a vampire went out front, showed them his license with that current address and promised to be quieter, all while covered in beer and woodchips. Of course as soon as they were around the corner we started hitting grapefruit with baseball bats through the screen on the back porch. The party went on for a few hours more, until the place was almost gutted and tagged and smashed. We listened to Hatebreeders over and over and over and shotgunned beers until we couldn’t stand.

The homeless guys came back and we told them to spend a few days there and then cleared off, hoping that the destruction would be blamed on them (sorry guys!). Nobody bought that, though. My friends were being investigated and threatened with litigation up until graduation, but somehow the landlord never checked to see if the cops were called that night, and no-one was prosecuted.

Music doesn’t bring violence out of people, but it doesn’t just express the natural bestial nature of man either. If we had no stereo, or only Silver Jews records, or something, we wouldn’t have gone insane like that…of course the same goes for pot vs beer. Music, art, whatever… it’s a drug– take it at your own risk, and don’t underestimate the shit it can do to your brain and soul.


PS No homeless guys were harmed in the making of this post.

PPS: Many homeless guys will be harmed in the process of making this place work.

One Response to “House Warming Party”

  1. This never happens.

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