The Dating Game

 

 

Here is what it would be like if, for one episode of The Dating Game, the bachelors were Rivers Cuomo, Tom Waits and Sthephen Malkmus.

Host: So, Jenny, tell us a little something about yourself.

 

Jenny: Well, Chuck, I’m 23, I have long, black hair and I’m very adventurous.

 

Crowd: Wooooo!

 

Jenny: I’m studying graphic design at Arizona State and I’m looking for a man who will treat me right.

 

Applause

 

Chuck: OK, that’s great, now let’s get right to it! We have 3 wonderful, eligible bachelors who are dying to take you out and show you a good time. First question!

 

Jenny: OK, my first question is for all the bachelors. Where would you take me on our first date?

 

Bachelor #1: Oh, Jenny! I’m far too unsure of myself to ever ask you out. I’ll tell you what I would do, though. I would read your diary while you were away, ask your friends questions about you and obsess over you most of my waking moments.

 

Jenny: Um, OK. Bachelor #2?

 

Bachelor #2: I know this great doughnut shop on 9th and Hennepin. All the doughnuts have names that sound like prostitutes.

 

Jenny: That sounds disappointing. Bachelor #3, same question.

 

Bachelor #3: Good one. Well, on a blind date with The Chancer (that’s what I call myself ),
we’d have oysters and dry lancers. When the check arrived we’d go dutch, dutch, dutch, dutch.

 

Chuck: Alright, well, those dates all sound strange… What’s your next question Jenny?

 

Jenny: My next question is for Bachelor #2. We are having a romantic dinner at your place. What would you cook for me to get me in the mood?

 

Crowd: Woooooo!

 

Bachelor #2: Well Jenny, nothing special, just Filippino Box Spring Hog, rattlesnake piccata with grapes and figs, mince meat filigree, turkey neck stew, bruleed okra seeds and for desert a nice ice cream and chocolate Jesus parfait.

 

Jenny: Gross! Bachelor #3, describe your dream girl.

 

Bachelor #3: Well, that’s a tough one, Jenny. I suppose she would eat her fingers like they were just another meal, wash herself in a levee and, most importantly, mix her cocktails with a plastic-tipped cigar.

 

Jenny: Is that a joke?

 

Bachelor #3: Everything I say is a joke. Or is it?

 

Jenny: Bachelor #1, same question.

 

Bachelor #1: Well, I suppose she’d be gay, most likely a drug addict. She’d also have to never laugh at anyone beside myself and be at least ½ Japanese. And, of course, she couldn’t like me or even know that I exist, that would ruin everything.

 

Chuck: OK, Jenny we have time for one more question.

 

Jenny: Do I have to? I mean, what’s the point?

 

Chuck: Just ask it.

 

Jenny: OK, Bachelor #2, where do you see yourself in 10 years?

 

Bachelor #2: Good one! Well, dead, that’s a given. But the important part is where. It’d have to be in a shanty town gutter somewhere in the American midwest. At the funeral would have to be exclusively people with hobo nicknames like Kehoe Jack or weird monikers like Zerelda Lee. And the women should wear tragic clothes like stained wedding dresses or oversized zoot-suits. Amputees are also a plus and maybe some full-on freaks like the Eyeball Kid. Oh, and mongrel dogs, obviously.

 

Chuck: Well, gentlemen, Jenny has run off with the lead singer from Fallout Boy.

 

Bachelor #1: Thank God, women scare the shit out of me!

 

Bachelor #2: That’s cool, I got a hot date with Zenora Bariella, anyways.

 

Bachelor #3: OK, I’m going to go ironically skateboard.

 

Credits

 

 

 

 

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One Response to “The Dating Game”

  1. This site was… how do I say it? Relevant!! Finally I have found somnething which helped me.
    Thank you!

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